Friday, September 30, 2016


Good evening

Donald you are a ridiculous lying piece of shit. You have never cared about anyone but yourself and now you want the keys to the country and the world.

For fuksake sake  - you owned a casino where the house always wins by separating fools from their money and you drove it over a cliff.

Your values are so horrible that David Duke thinks you’re the greatest thing since no iron sheets and you pretend to not know who he is.

You are hiding your tax returns because you think its ok to pay no taxes to run the country where people fly and drive to pay you money at your golf courses, hotels and condos.

Your idea of education policy is getting desperate people to give you their life savings by setting up a fake university selling fake dreams.

So far the only maybe true thing I have heard out of your mouth is what you said in a nationally televised debate, watched by children across America, about the size of your genitals. I believe what you said because a guy who cheats on two wives and jokes about being sexually attracted to his own daughter and then blames me for my husband’s inability to keep his fly zipped has definitely got balls the size of Mexico.

I want you to know that every time you interrupt me like you did the last time, my supporters - especially woman who know what it's like to have to quietly smile while listening to sexist blowhard morons all day - will make an on line donation. They can do this by going to

I have made mistakes and I will learn from them. I also have the experience, judgment, stamina and skill set to keep this country prosperous and safe. For you politics is a reality TV/professional wrestling bullshit festival.   Heaven help us if you win this thing.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Trump's Updated Medical Report


I have been asked to amplify the half page medical report I prepared for Donald Trump in December 2015. When I said "If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency", I meant to end that sentence with - believe me".

Some people in the rigged media have asked why I said nothing about why he sees a gastroenterologist  for his annual check up. First all, let me just say that he has the finest gastro I have ever seen. He found me because he read my best selling book - "How to Get People to Like You Even Though You Are a Loud Mouth Fat Guy That Makes Stuff Up".

Donald Trump is an amazingly disciplined man who has successfully maintained that extra 65 pounds by following the strict regimen I recommend in my book of at least one bucket of fried chicken or a grande burrito bowl per day.

As I said in my report,  "Mr. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results" and "laboratory test results that were astonishingly excellent". The date of that examination, the details of what tests were performed, the  "astonishingly excellent" results and which tests results came back "positive", will not be released until his IRS audit is complete. The only thing America needs to know about Donald Trump is that when he said he has a large penis - speaking as his gastroenterologist - you can trust him. Believe me.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

THREE BULLET REVIEWS FROM LONDON - The Entertainer, Groundhog Day and 946 The Amazing Story of Adolphus Tips

Greetings from a week in London where the no parking signs have a number you can call if you need to clarify what WARNING PARKING SUSPENDED means.

The Entertainer, Garrick Theatre

In the Olympic spirit, I am proud to announce that as the house lights went down for the Entertainer I set a new world record for the fastest a 64 year old Jew ever fell asleep in a play.
Every time I came to nothing new had happened in this equally tired resurrection of a1957 drama, with Kenneth Branagh, which originally starred Sir Laurence Olivier. It’s the story of an aging song and dance man, his failed relationships and self destructive life decisions. Just when you think that life could not possibly be more miserable for these people the police arrive with news that their son was killed in the Suez.
This play may have resonated in the 1950s psyche of the fading British Empire, but every Brit we mentioned it to had the same reaction - horrible play by a horrible man (John Osborne). Unless you have incurable insomnia, put this one on your must not see list.

   Groundhog Day, The Old Vic Theatre 

The exercise of waking up in a world where
nothing is new was good preparation for Groundhog Day, an upbeat, fun and well done musical adaption of the 1993 Harold Ramis, movie.

Andy Karl, whose Broadway credits include Jersey Boys, does a wonderful job as the sleazy, pretty boy TV weatherman sent to Punxsutawney, Pa. for Groundhog Day where he finds himself trapped in a closed psychic loop that repeats itself each morning. The staging of this sci-fi tale of nightmarish repetition is skillful but more than once I found myself longing for a fast forward button.

   946 The Amazing Story of Adolphus Tips, 
   The Globe Theatre

            This is an exciting production of a play by Michael Morpurgo, (War Horse) performed in the open air Globe Theatre. The story is based on a children’s book about Black US GIs in a small Cornwall town that gets taken over in 1944 by US troops as part of a disastrous D day landing rehearsal
             Director Emma Rice, has taken a tragic war time drama and infused it with physical comedy, puppetry, acrobatic dancing and great music. At times members of the breathtakingly talented cast climb a ladder to join the band on an overhanging ledge and then return to the stage by sliding down a pole.
             There is a stand out performance by Katy Owen in the role of the little girl at the center of the story. Ms. Owen does some wonderfully funny things with her body and her voice.
This is a kid’s story that promotes itself as suitable for ages 7+. The nearby mother, hugging her sobbing little girl at the play’s saddest moment might not agree with that.
 A versatile cast of dancers, singers and musicians playing multiple parts, rocked the house  which included 100’s of young people, who bought 5 pound tickets to stand for 2 /1/2 hours in the open area of the Globe Theatre.  We looked down on them from our benches with rented cushions and seat backs. 
It's a safe bet that if the Bard was watching the show from the rafters - he was smiling.

Good news- It's coming to St. Ann's Warehouse for a run in March and April 2017.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Dear Hillary    Its me Bob  I’m fine thanks – and you?

Out here in the liberal bubble we have been singing a new campaign song
Somebody Wake Me Shake Me When its over

I wrote you a speech. 
Here it is. You're welcome.

My fellow Americans
I am a human being and I have made mistakes. Odds are I will make more in the future. 
When I set up my own e-mail server in Chappaqua I thought it was  the best way to juggle my private and official e-mail. The server was no secret and it was ok with all the smart security focused people at the highest levels of government that I relied on. Turns out to have been a big dumb mistake. I'm sorry. By the way I'm 68 years old. Do you think I have any idea how a server works?
  Until they replace the Presidency with an IPhone App you will have to accept the fact that a human will sit in the oval office. From today going forward when I make a mistake I will tell you about it, learn from it and fix the problem that caused it. 
There’s another mistake that needs to be fixed. My campaign and the Democratic Party has not been listening to the people in America’s devastated heartland who are hurting and scared of the future. We need to understand why these folks were so easily bamboozled by that venom spewing, fact free, gold plated con artist who has never lifted a finger anyone but himself. 

Bernie Sanders understood this problem and I did not. Remember what I said about learning from mistakes and making corrections based on what we learn? Today I’m announcing that Bernie Sanders will be my Secretary of Health and Human Services. To my friends on Wall Street and the Republican refugees don’t worry. I’m still your friend Hillary but it's in all of our interests that we do something now about this obvious threat of a post election national earthquake. The time to “wake me and shake me” is before its over.