Sunday, January 24, 2016

The Universal Pain Assessment Tool Guide to the Revenant


I escaped from the blizzard Saturday morning to catch the 11AM showing of the Revenant.
Lori refused to go with me. Something about 2 hours and thirty minutes of unrelenting graphic agony death and suffering did not appeal to her. So I laced up my boots, added a few layers and headed into the blizzard. Sadly my bear skin was at the cleaners.

I felt like I was channeling Leonardo DeCaprio as I walked thru the snow drifts from 86th street to 83d street. It was a grueling 10 minute journey.  When I finally made it to my reserved reclining lounge chair I kneeled and kissed the carpet.


Here is viewer's guide to a few scenes using the Universal Pain Assessment Tool (UPA) Oh yeah spoiler alert blah blah blah. Don't read this unless you've seen it or don't care.

First a  news bulletin - Leonardo DiCaprio has changed his middle name to"If I don't get Best Actor I'm going to make the entire fucking academy sleep inside a dead horse".

In the first scene most of Leonardo's (Hugh Glass) band of fur traders gets killed by Ree Indians. Hugh is ok- maybe a flesh wound UPA 2 


Then things pick up a little
A grizzly bear uses Hugh as a chew toy and then adds insult to injury by stepping on his head UPA 10
Hugh's recovery from the bear attack has a little set back when he gets buried alive and watches his son get murdered UPA 8
Hugh is feeling a little better and escapes from indians by rafting rapids and a waterfall without a raft UPA 6
Hugh tries a little first aid on his wounds with gun powder UPA 10
Hugh gets invited for dinner with a new friend who is serving raw buffalo liver. Hugh eats the raw liver to be polite and also because he hasn't eaten in a month except for a little sushi.  UPA 6
Hugh goes horse back riding and misses the sign that says "Warning 1000 foot cliff ahead" Hugh survives the fall - the horse not so much.  UPA 10
Hugh wakes up from his 1,000 foot fall as a blizzard is arriving so he does what any of us would have done - he guts the horse, takes off his clothes and sleeps inside his dead horse UPA 2
Hugh finds the guy who buried him alive and killed his son. Hugh is still annoyed by this. They try to work things out with a little help from a hatchet and Hugh's newest friends, a band of Ree indians that like to go on very long horseback rides. UPA 8

That's it I just saved you $15 bucks.